11 Proven Strategies to Ensure Your Adult Children Never "Overstay" Their Welcome

Because your living room isn't a dorm

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”—Benjamin Franklin

Some young birds take that first jump out of the nest and fly gracefully towards the unknown, landing a nest far away perfect for visiting and bringing a warm worm or two for the grand-hatchlings.

But occasionally, seemingly against nature itself, many of those young birds swoop back into the mother nest to say hello—every morning for the rest of their lives!

Well, ruffle your feathers and perch up, my feathered progenitors, for I’ve hatched a plan to keep your chicks from checking into Hotel Parentifornia.

No need to wing it, here’s a plan to give them a loving peck on the backside as they go soaring out of your nest and back into life.

How to Keep Your Home Adult-Kid Free

#1. The Bed

Make sure the guest room is equipped with the tiniest, most antique-ish furniture you can get your hands on. Don’t worry about comfort, your friends will rave about the carving in the bannisters while your large sons will fall off the 2-ft wide bed at least 3 times every night.

If they want a comfortable place to stay, point to a hotel down the street.

#2. Eggs

Use the plastic egg tray whenever possible, and complain incessantly if your offspring refuse to refill it. Who cares if the eggs already come in a perfectly convenient carton, the eggs clearly need to be delicately removed and transferred to a plastic receptacle.

Just make sure to monitor any adult-child activity during this sacred relocation ceremony, lest any eggs break and they have fodder to complain about wasting food.

#3. The Remote

Have at least 3 remotes for every TV spread across 4 decades of technology. Insist that at least you know how to work the TV so everything must be fine. If the adult-child still insists, claim their generation might not be as good at technology as they thought and crank the TV to non-conversational volumes.

#4. The Milk

It is essential to always have the bag of milk at near empty levels. This way, your lazy children won’t be inclined to finish it as they’d have to replace the bag—something horrendously scary in the mind of those under 40.

If you don’t know what a bag of milk is, have you even really lived?

#5. Food

If your child currently lives abroad, serve as much food from that region as possible, but badly and tasteless. Nothing will get them missing “home” more than being presented with 20 boxes of microwaved ramen noodles directly from the country you just arrived from as a welcome back gift to Canada.

#6. Dinner

Make dinner promptly at 4pm, regardless of the day. Letting your offspring know you are willing and able to treat them to a homecooked meal is dependent on their adherence to a new schedule works like a graceful charm.

Even better if the man-child sleeps in to noon every day!

#7. Chores

Vacuum at 6 am. Run the dishwasher promptly at 8. Clang as many dishes as possible until the large gorillas who bear resemblance to your original offspring wake up to start their day.

If questioned on the timing, claim their generation is lazy and rip the vacuum on again to end the conversation.

#8. Showers

Even though all toilets are clean at all times of the day, an extra well-timed flush when your kids are showering really keeps the shine on those fixtures, doesn’t it?

Extra points for screams.

#9. Laundry

So, your adult-babies know how to do the laundry, right? Hah. You know better. Any time they put a load in the washer, wait until they leave the room, turn it off, then yell something downstairs about the water temperature being wrong (of course) and mix in any random dirty clothes you can find.

Remember, if they can only find 75% of their clothes, they’ll have to come back someday to get the rest!

#10. Beer

If inflation’s hit your beer budget, don’t worry about those pesky drinkers coming home to roost. Just stock only the weirdest tasting ‘craft’ brew and as much Guinness as the factory will let you legally store.

Go to bed resting easy knowing your beer will remain untouched for the duration of the visit as your children have no taste for the finer beers in life.

#11. The Going Away Meal

Keep an active list of your child’s favorite food to eat, then make sure none of it is in the house. On the last day, prepare the most fabulous version of the meal possible just so they’ll come back again…next year.

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Written by a very appreciative but snarky son named JJ Pryor.

What’s your best strategy for making sure guests adhere to the ‘fish’ rule? Let’s hear in the comments!

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