Do you follow the Gospels of Republican Jesus?
I’m pretty sure Jesus wouldn’t be allowed into the US today.
No job, poor, dark skin, born in the Middle East — he’d be persecuted and kicked out of the country faster than you could count how many commandments Trump broke during his presidency. (According to this blogger, it’s all of them.)
According to election polls, between 76–81% of white evangelists who voted, chose Trump back in November. Less than 20% went to Biden.
White evangelical Protestants are almost a shoo-in at this point for the Republican party. And there’s good reason for that—if not strange.
They vote in droves.
While they only represent 17% of the general population, their vote takes up 26% of the final tallies. These churchgoers listen to their insanely wealthy leaders.
Overall, white Christians take up just 43 percent of the population as of 2016. But when it comes to voting, they’re overrepresented in the final results. Their votes constituted 55% of the final tally in 2016, with similar results this time too.
White Christians choose the president.
And in 2016, they chose a man who:
forces out friendly protestors for a photo-op
makes fun of the disabled
spray paints himself every day to mimic the skin color of people he openly hates
cannot recite a single line of the bible, while claiming to be a massive fan
is a constant cheater, a pathological liar, adulterer, tax cheat, two-time divorcé, and overall scammer
Despite all of this, he has overwhelming support among white Christians in the nation. It’s not like his voters don’t know about his sins either. It’s why they like him.
It’s only logical his followers, therefore, believe in what he preaches. So, I created an updated version of some of the gospels—The Gospels of Republican Jesus.
(Note: If you don’t like humor involving religion, you probably won’t want to click that.)
On another note, I found some fantastically amazing similarities between one of the most famous presidents of the last 100 hundred years…and his grandfather. A man who was even banned from his former country by royal decree—twice!
And since we’re talking history here, did you know the entirety of humanity was almost wiped out by a volcano? Scientists initially thought this was a fact but new evidence throws some debate on the topic.
While we’re fearmongering—I bet you didn’t know how screwed up the origin stories are of many of your favorite nursery rhymes. Hint: If you know what ‘fetching a pale of water’ really means, then you win this round.
Lastly, this one might seem a bit bland on the surface, but it was actually pretty neat to read about. What are the oldest businesses in the world (that still continue today)?
Thanks for dropping in again this week, it seems like history and politics have been at the forefront of my writing lately. It might as well be as that’s what I spend most of my free time reading about—for better or worse.
If you’ve read my humor pieces, it’s probably for the better…
That’s it! Until next week folks, thanks for reading and let me know your thoughts/questions/how-much-you-hate-me in the comments!
J.J. Pryor
Extra points for anyone that hits the like button on this post! (Disclaimer: The points are probably worth nothing. Except for my eternal gratitude.)
Oops, forgot a link to the Gospels. Here's a non-paywall link to see it, just copy and paste ---- https://theapeiron.co.uk/the-gospels-of-republican-jesus-25838d50039?source=friends_link&sk=d8297e8d6ceb17daae3853fd0604793e
You hit the nail on the head. All these pure white evangelical christian puritans who don't realize the odds of Jesus (if he even existed) was more likely to have had brown skin, dressed like a hippy, preached to the poor, lived and ate like the impoverished, rode a donkey and hung out with the sick and the marginalized. If he could see the holy palaces of today, the Mercedes and Cadillacs, the helicopters of today's "preachers", I bet he would throw a fit as he did with the money lenders in the temple.