(Humor) 5 Great Examples of Legitimate Political Discourse From History

Photo by Ben Noble on Unsplash

I woke up this week to realize I was an idiot. While that may not come as a surprise to my readers, friends, parents, and humanity, I was shocked nonetheless.

It turns out the phrase “legitimate political discourse” had an entirely different meaning!

I could not stand for this assault against my intelligence, so I spent the next 2348 seconds researching other cases of legitimate political discourse throughout history and wanted to share them here.

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#1. The Discussion of Waterloo

Artist: William Sadler, Public Domain

The discussion of Waterloo was the final decisive debate between Napolean Bonaparte and his opponents. This feverish argument ended up in the giant-handed Napoleon losing, and he fully agreed to abdicate his throne four days later upon realizing the previous election was likely fraudulent. This light-hearted conversation led to the ending of the First French Empire and to decades of relative peace known as the Pax Britannica.

#2. The Verbal Attack of Pearl Harbor

Imperial Japanese Navy — Official U.S. Navy photograph NH 50930. Public Domain.

The verbal assault on Pearl Harbor was a surprise debate launched by the Imperial Japanese Navy Air Service. At the time, the United States was considered to be a neutral friend on Instagram. But then they started smack talking all over the place and tagging the Japanese Navy in unflattering photos alongside pics of Kanye. Left with no choice, the Japanese sent their best debaters to drop several unsuspecting truth bombs on Hawaii. Of course, the United States wasn’t too happy with all this shade being thrown and dropped two massive truth bombs of their own a few years later. Fortunately, they are now friends again on Instagram.

#3. The Yeeting of Yorktown

York-town, VA Oct. 1781, Nathaniel Currier, Public Domain

British people are famous for their fish and chips, bangers and mash, kidney pie, and yeeting. The Yeeting at Yorktown was no different. The rascally Americans were arguing they should pay a lot less tax and were tired of drinking hoity-toity overpriced tea from Starbucks. This long-lasting discourse culminated in the realization that General Cornwallis was quite hungry and wanted to go home for some delicious organ meat. George Washington was quite pleased with himself and painted a self-portrait he lovingly called the “one-dollar bill.”

#4. The Consultation of Stalingrad

Sergey Strunnikov — Waralbum.ru, Public Domain.

The consultation of Stalingrad was an extremely long discussion between Germany and Russian government employees. Lasting nearly 6 months, the debate was incredibly heated and involved countless man-to-man discussions in nearly every house. During the day, the German diplomats dominated the airwaves, with the Russian side using their loudspeakers at night. In the end, Germany realized its mistakes after getting really tired — like super tired — and wilfully retracted from any further discussion.

#5. The Argument of Thermopylae

Leonidas at Thermopylae, 1814, by Jacques-Louis David, CC 2.0

The Argument of Thermopylae was a heated discussion between 300 Spartans and more than 10,000 Achaemenidians. The Spartans were led by King Leonidas, a man known for his bravery in calling out male thots and his incessant FOMO on good discussions. Xerxes I, on the other hand, relied on the power of social media and his thousands of followers to win debates for him. In the end, the evil algorithms of Xerxes won the discussion but rocketed Leonidas’s social clout through the roof.

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