On Vasectomies: A Whole Different Ball Game

Ouch!

I remember the day my friend—let's call him Homer Snipson—went in for the big cut. He was, of course, a little nervous but confident in his decision.

As he sat in the clinic, the doctor—with a bit too much enthusiasm—announced, "Alright, Snippy, it’s time to start. I’m not kidding you." His eyes widened in horror at the pun, but before he could interject, the procedure had already begun.

When Snippy sobered up, he was relieved to find everything had gone smoothly and, more importantly, everything was right where he left it.

What is a Vasectomy, Really?

Vasectomies trace their roots back to the late 1800s when a doctor by the name of James Ewing Mears really got the balls rolling.

For those who may not know, a vasectomy is a minor surgical procedure that serves as a permanent form of male birth control. It involves cutting and sealing the tubes (vas deferens) that carry sperm from the testicles to the urethra.

With these tubes blocked, the sperm can no longer make it to their final destination, rendering a man’s mojo empty and his condom budget full.

But is that all that’s empty after?

Well, our bodies are incredibly efficient at handling this change. The sperm are simply reabsorbed into the body, and life goes on as usual — minus the possibility of unexpected fatherhood, of course.

That is, minus the less than 1% of couples who possibly get pregnant after the procedure. But hey, miracles happen, right? I mean, I found a matching pair of socks this morning.

Here are some more fun facts about vasectomies:

• Vasectomies don’t impact hormone levels or sexual functions

• Testosterone levels aren’t lowered by a vasectomy

• After the cut, men still ejaculate, sans little soldiers.

• Studies show no significant change in hormone levels after a vasectomy.

• Research indicates no negative effects on sexual function, erection, ejaculation, orgasm, or libido from a vasectomy.

Overall, they’re very effective, pretty darn safe, and have been helping patients avoid unexpected surprises for decades.

Deciding Not to Have Kids

I saw a stand-up routine the other day that made me chuckle. The comedian shared a story about his friend who decided to get a vasectomy.

He wanted to go for the big snip, but because he was kidless, the clinic required him to undergo a psychological evaluation before approving the vasectomy.

The comic wondered, "What happens if he fails that test? Are they just like, 'Sorry, dude, you're crazy, you have to have kids. Now get out there and make some maniacs, you lunatic!’”

What an observation.

If a young person decides to have a child, they're often met with encouragement and support.

But if that same person decides to have a vasectomy, suddenly it's a lifetime decision that requires careful consideration, multiple consultations, and in many states, even psychological evaluations.

This double standard is ironic, to say the least, but it's a reality that many men who choose to undergo the procedure face.

In any case, getting a vasectomy is clearly a life-changing decision, but if you or someone you know (especially if it’s your buddy) is heading in for the cut, perhaps a bit of ill-advised humor could help calm the nerves?

• I went to get a vasectomy because I don’t want to have any children.

  But when I went back home they were still there.

• My wife carries condoms in her purse even though I had a vasectomy four years ago.

  Poor thing, she’s become so forgetful. (This one took me a moment.)

• After a vasectomy, make sure to ice your nuts.

  It makes a vas deferens.

• My friend said, "You had a vasectomy without telling your wife? Seriously?" I replied, "No kidding!"

• What's similar between a vasectomy and a good movie? They both have a great climax and no sequel.

Also, credit goes out to Torio Van Grol, a comedian who looks far too similar to David Cross with the hilarious short clip mentioned above:

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Written by a snipless JJ Pryor.

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